Looking for it…
I think I just realized I’m in search of feelings. Maybe we all are in search of that, I don’t really know. When you’re around people, you get certain vibes for sure. You can catch a vibe in a certain environment too. Atmosphere is real and so is Feng-shui if you know about it. I’ve never been to space, but it has to have a whole different element to it; it’s probably the reverential area it’s been depicted as. How can I get that space reverential effect here on earth despite the people, the gravity, and the b.s.? Is it possible?
Space isn't man made. Nature isn’t man made. I’m starting to see a trend just so you know. I leave work and it seems like there is a new building where there used to be a beloved tree. I don’t like that at all. I know people need housing, but has the world forgotten that we need nature and things that are not concrete? I think the world is forgetting the magic of humans and humanity. I’m on a computer everyday as a means of engagement and let me tell you now, it’s not that engaging. This year might have taught you something, but you probably learned it by yourself on the computer or someone taught you in person most likely.
It’s been a weird timing year. I think it’s sinking in that you really have to do what you love. Time passes and most people and things don’t give a fuck about you. Sometimes you need those good ole’ expletives in there so you can drive a point home. It’s truth. I’m on zoom everyday from 9-5. Don’t ask me to go to a zoom party, I don’t care. It’s not about you. My brain is fried and I’d rather have real or nothing. There is a beauty and a healing effect that can wash over you, if you let the nothing do its job properly. We’re surrounded by white noise and busyness that doesn’t ever go away unless you leave the city or that environment. I’m in search of my own timing and validation. I’m in search of my own expression that saves me when all else is confounded. Nothing else really matters to me.
I’m here for love, art, and money. I might have thought that was the order when I was younger. It might be art above everything else at this moment. Self love first then give love; there can be no other way. And yes we all need money, but I’m way too experienced in life to think that money is going to actually change my mind about much. It’s a good confidence boost and builder, but you better not have your sense of self based on the ever inflating dollar. You will be the one that gets crushed in the end. I’m looking for the challenge and the peace of mind that go hand in hand. I’m looking for the beauty that ever grows and changes but it doesn’t fade. I’m searching for my own space that is reverential for myself and others.
I want to wake up with joy and expectation in my heart. That probably should be happening but it’s not. It could just be the morning and the fact that we are not friends, but I think it’s more than that. This is the time of life when it makes you pick and choose. At least that is how I feel right now. I want a lot of happiness. It can happen for sure I know that. You have to be open to it though; I’m working on this part as I type these hopeful words. It’s not for everyone, but I have to enjoy what i’m doing to be really happy in life. I thought I could separate all of it, but I don’t think I'm built that way. I just want to make things, move and have fun. It is going to take a lot more dedication from me; I feel it. I’ve been dedicated, but i’m learning that is just par for the course. You gotta love it and for sure love takes work.