When do we have an honest conversation?

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago. I wrote it and put aside, but I gotta get it out. Ponder it and let’s change it together if something resonates. I am going to write another post now and try to keep this ball rolling. You are amazing even though it’s crazy, don’t forget it.

I am in a school building that is still being pieced together in the early days of April. That is wild to me. I am in a school building that doesn’t have a library because they didn’t plan for one. That is disrespectful to me. How can you call yourself a school if you don’t provide a library for your students? The pandemic and its surrounding mayhem have definitely urged me to see more of the privileged and unprivileged situations that surround education. Inner city schools with Black and Brown children get screwed on so many levels. However, the people who ‘help’ and ‘provide’ these situations really never get the scrutiny they deserve. Inner city schools are failing their students, neighborhoods, and communities. I would dare say, charter and public schools are allowed to steal from Black and Brown communities without impunity. The teachers in my building do a lot of great work. I know I put a lot of work in, but where does it go? Why am I left feeling so depleted after a day, and sometimes even like a failure? Is that just education? I can’t believe it is. This is our state of education though. Education is failing the students and killing the teachers.

I’ve been trying to go to sleep lately. It sounds wild, but I’ve finally realized I need it. So many years just flying by the seat of my pants, I think my body started telling me I can’t do it that way anymore. But how do you really learn to rest, when that is not how your mind works? I want to go all the time, but something is telling me I shouldn't do it that way anymore. My hamstrings feel like cement blocks and restricted highways these days after a photoshoot. This blog is hopefully not seen as complaining, but if it is that’s cool. I’m simply trying to figure it out. I am learning I can not keep moving the way I have been. The question on my mind lately is how do you slow down and grow at the same time?

I’ve recently read a book called Time Off, and I’m trying to have it resonate. The whole premise of the book is having people realize that time away from work actually contributes to it. Simply put, a bunch of us are overworking. It’s bad; especially when you think you are one of those people. I know I have been overworking, but it’s definitely hard to just stop, and not feel like I could be doing something else or learning a new skill. I can’t explain how much I feel I need to get better at photography so that I can leave teaching. For the past couple of years I’ve been going pretty non stop trying to get good enough at photography and videography to get the skills required first to shoot, but then the confidence, editing process, and follow through that brings it all together. I’m glad I have taken it step by step, but man, there’s a lot to photography!! If you do it, then I think you know all that goes into doing it and doing it well. But also, if you don’t know all that goes into it, then don’t worry! I’ll be dropping hints here from here on out as well releasing a photography course pretty soon to help you with all those questions and needs.

I also teach full time. It’s also a pandemic. It may sound crazy and I know there are a lot of people who have gone through some pretty imaginable things, especially the loss of loved ones, but man, the pandemic has opened my eyes to many of the things I have needed to change. It has also opened my eyes to how many things in education are done by rote, and without the safe spaces to talk about their efficacy. A lot of money and power is in the educational system. I often wonder what the real end goal of education is, since i’m in the charter/public school framework. The rigidity in something that should be personal, communal, and effective is down right scary. It seems like all the issues are coming out right now.

This has been an extremely hard year to be a teacher. So many things are coming out emotionally due to the changing times. It has been anxiety filled year for sure. Between new systems, failed systems, and bullshit, It’s been an extremely hard year to piece together in the school building. And they still want to do MCAS, but that’s another story and conversation for later. There is minimal learning being done and that’s the truth. We are re learning how to live and be people, and we are not being allowed the time to do it. I can feel the old fighting versus the new in systemic breakdowns and advances, and especially in the way people are viewing what they actually need to do. This year it has been proven; no one knows what they are doing.

I can’t do this for much longer. There is not enough room for honest communication and the ability to be human and creative. I need my days filled with space, laughter, creativity, and the room to play. I should not have to wait until I leave work to make this happen. What happens when the teachers are unfulfilled and the lessons feel like they came from someone else’s head? You get uninspired students and grey filled learning landscapes that don’t apply to real life and therefore don’t matter. We have all this technology and information and we’re still in the 1950’s with this learning stuff. It’s time to make some real mistakes and learn from them. From someone on the front line and in the classroom, this is not working.