Being open and saying no. A balancing act.

All I feel is time lately. Time waiting, time wanting, time needed to learn things, time for relaxation. I haven’t found out if it’s a good spot yet. School is crazy. Time here is a vortex of routine schedule and monotony. I know it’s more than that, but somedays it really doesn’t feel like it. It sounds crazy but I am definitely grateful that I get to work near a big ass window that overlooks Columbia Road and its happenings throughout the day. I’m not a huge spectator, but I love watching the human dynamic if it can provide some levity, beauty, or a nice distraction from time to time. We all need distractions and breaks to get us through the grind. It’s a balancing act.

Teaching has taught me a couple of things over my career. You have to be flexible in education and you have to know how to say no. Everyday is like the tide coming and going. You know it’s coming, and it’s bringing things with it and it’s taking things away piece by piece. I don’t think I was always aware of this gradual addition and erosion. I think for a while I just thought I was the beach with enough sand to go around, who knows. I believe more in the marathon approach these days and I am way more aware of my personal energy and capacity. I’m also highly aware of what other people ask of me and what they are willing to do themselves. That’s why I needed a new approach. Maybe I’m different, but I enjoy the learning curve of doing something myself the majority of the time. If it’s really out of my wheelhouse then I will ask for help or pay someone. It is something I have only recently learned.

Lately I want to explore more and feel different things, experience different cultures. All this sameness during my week is starting to drive me bananas, especially with the pandemic. This time and these circumstances have really made me realize how much I like new faces, new spaces, and growth experiences. It’s a rarity when you can continually grow in the same environment. Something or someone in that environment will have had to change. I feel the need for a change now, strongly. But not change for change’s sake. I want that which will take me to the next step of my soul’s evolution and growth as a human being and man on this earth. And as much as I am starting to crave change for myself, I want the same change for society. I am tired of seeing the same things happen to the same people with little to no remorse or accountability. I’m beyond tired of it.

I have to try new things constantly and test things out. Photography has been amazing because it’s a challenge mentally, physically, and artistically. I am finding I need more of this in my day. I require autonomy and space for randomness in my day. My artist is alive and kicking and it might just be the same as a big ass baby. I want to see the world with new eyes some days and I hope it’s still possible. Someone once told me we have books and travel so we can see things from different perspectives. We have each other too, but for some reason it doesn’t always sink in when someone tells you something. I experience this phenomenon everyday, it’s truly wild. I want to be open and learn. I have also learned that you cannot say yes to everything. It’s time to only say yes for things that truly excite me or challenge me.

It’s ok to say no. Everything is not for you. You know what you want to do. Are you going to do it or let everything else and everyone else’s wants get in your way. Teaching from 9-5 is teaching me I don’t have the time I used to. I need to rest more. I need excitement and variety in my life. The day to day routine is wearing on me like the tide and the beach. I’m tired of the boring and the bullshit. All these choices I have made too, and I accept that. Time to make new choices for sure. Life is all about the choices we make. This is being drilled into me, currently. Are you going to decide to do something for someone else, or are you going to do what you actually need to do for you? I am going to start saying no to a lot of things. I think I may have already begun the process. I’ll start saying yes to things too, but you better damn well know I really want to do it if I say yes. That’s the way it should be. Let’s stop the halfway and half hearted bullshit please. I want enthusiasm running through my bones and I don’t feel bad about it. It’s time to master this balance. Stay safe and good luck folks.